Herb Neufeld and the Disappearing Woman
by
Ulla
Thomsen
The scene opens in the Hauptstraße, Heidelberg
FX: Café Noises
Herb V/O: How can I put this.. it was
another warm smoky afternoon in Old
Heidelberg..[cough] .. and the walls of the café where Herb Neufeld, Private
Eye, sat, were decorated with the dancing bodies of thousands of
laughing people.. no, that sounds
wrong..
or... buy a pastry from Peters Pieshop,
here lies Peter of Peters Pieshop fame,
framed by a
jealous
Pie Fan forever amber, well.. where was I, oh
yes, line two..[clears throat]
umm.. it was then that he espied her,
ehm.. all at once he knew that this meant
to be.. line four.. ehm.. No, she said, nothere,
anywhere but.. Hello, Antje!
Antje: Oh, Herb, can't you stop
scribbling for a moment and talk to
me
Herb: Listen, to be a serious writer..
Antje: Five lines is merely a small
start..
Herb: A small step for you Antje my dear, but for
me it's a giant stride!
Antje: Oh Come off it, that must be the
tenth book you've started..
Herb: Don't exaggerate... Ninth..
Antje: And you've never got past page
two..
Herb: Three.. innacuracy will never get you
anywhere..anyway, I can just
visualize myself having this amazing
literary career... daily writing a couple ofhundred
words which are quickly seized by the trembling
hands of a sweaty printer and transformed almost
immediately to the press or is it the sweaty hands
of a trembling printer... oh, the ennui, the pure
metaphysical pain of it all.. this preciousmoment
this...... red hot.. so to speak... blast! the pencil
broke ...
Antje: Waiter!
Waiter: No
Herb: No?
Waiter: Existentialism is everywhere.....
isn't it?
Herb: Order me a steaming hot Altbier, will you Antje dear..
Waiter: No
Antje: A steaming hot Altbier for my
friend here and I'll have a croque
monsieur and...
Waiter: Certainly not..
Antje: Thank you waiter..
Waiter: Don't thank me..! [goes]
Antje: I don't know ... perhaps it's me
... but I seem to remember a time when
waiters where.. well.. more fun, really
..
Herb: Antje .. when will you learn that it's the
power of existential reality ...
Antje: Well, that'll cost you 42,000
old francs then..
Herb: ..cheap at the price ... gosh, I remember a
job I was on once in France when
someone beautiful ate croque monsieur..
Antje: Very literary, Oochie Cooch..
here, drink this ...
it
might relieve the paranoia
Herb: Good line.... [scribbles].. relieve the
paranoia.. blast! Pencil's broken again
Antje: By the way ..message from
Fiorella for you, Herb...
Fade to FX: Opens paper
Herb: What's this here.. meet a Herr Noller..
Frankfurt Östkreuz... ?
Antje: Work?
Herb: Unfortunately so.. and I thought that we just
had time to disagree over a few other
things..!..I'd better 'phone this guy
Noller immediately .. after all I need
the money..!
Fade to: Noller's House
Noller: ..this may strike you as odd,
Herr Neufeld, but there is nothing
untoward actually going on in my relationship
with my wife... it's that I'm a little disturbed
by her behaviour..
Herb: ..in what way, Herr Noller..
Noller: She has a way of, well..
disappearing ... from time to time that
worries me..
Herb: Has anything untoward happened recently..
Noller: No.. in fact we've been happily
married for five years and our
relationship is peaceful and altogether
comfortable.. it's the fact that I'm so comfortable
that worries me.... you see.. there's been
no disagreement between us.. almost no dialogue apart from the... ehm .. normal things that go-on between married people.. for a year or so..
it's rather that.. well ....
Herb: Go on -
Noller: Well.. it's that the very fact
that we both work, and meet at home in
the evenings that makes me distrust her...
odd.... don't you think ...?
Herb: Odd?
No.. I wouldn't say so.. after all you're the person who has noted a change in the overall conduct of your relationship.. and it's not up to
me... though I could perhaps ask you for
a few checks on the situation..
Noller: Of course..
Herb: But first.. do you both work all day..?
Noller: Yes.. 8.15 to 4.30, like
everybody else..
Herb: And how long are your lunch breaks.. do you
work close to each other.. ?
Noller: We used to.. in fact we met at a
company dance.. but now my wife..
Rosa .. has moved across the city.. but we
have the same lunch breaks.. though we rarely meet
at lunch time simply because of transport problems..
you know..
Herb: Yes.. and now tell me more:
Noller: What do you mean?
Herb: About her strange movements..
Noller: Oh, Perhaps I'm suspicious, but
she always goes off - with her
friends, or so she says, on tuesdays.... always
on tuesdays..
Herb: Lots of people do that.. anyway, when did
this start..?
Noller: About two years ago.. quite
suddenly
Herb: But you have nothing to go on.. just a vaguesuspicion?
Noller: That's right.. just a vague
suspicion.. worry really..
Herb: Right, first, take a note of times of
incoming phone calls or any calls you
don't understand or can't explain ....
Noller: Yes..
Herb: Next, can you get me a list of names and
parhaps the addresses or working
places of these friends of hers.. after
two years these facts must be pretty well
established..
Noller: Right
Herb: Finally..
Noller: Yes
Herb: I need a drink, my throat's dry...
Fade to: Herbs office:
Herb: But listen, Fiorella, you're the female end
of this partnership and you're just gonna
have to infiltrate the group.. that's all
..you know, business.. money?
Fiorella: Drop dead
Herb: Be serious my little flower
Fior: I cannot rat on my sisters!
Herb: Rat..Rat!
You're not ratting on anyone..
Fior: Course I am
Herb: No, you're not
Fior: I don't want to do it.. that's all... !
Fade to: Interior sound:
Fior: Well Rosa, it's funny you said that.. myself
I always take tuesdays off from the
daily grind... you know ... the usual
domestic..
Rosa: How extraordinary Fiorella.. my friends and I
usually...
Fade to: Office:
Herb: Que sera sera, as they say..
Fior: Actually they don't..! But apart from that..
right, when I go with the other women in this group to this place on tuesday.. you bring the camera
or whatever, and see what you can
get... but I don't like it.. I just
don't like it!
Herb: You know there's nothing in it... she's completely clean, but we have to satisfy Noller..
you know that.. anyway, he's paying for
it in advance, isn't he.. ?
Fior: Well, that's the appearance of things.. and I
don't know what's going down on
tuesday... I just hope it'snothing
heavy, that's all... !
Fade to: Exterior, traffic B/G:
Herb V/O: Tuesday Night, about
10.30. Surprisingly cold, The Scene:
Me, set against the average fire-escape.
And there I was sitting like a
frozen mackeral atop the windy
pile...yes, literary thoughts were beginning to course searingly through my brain.. what else, nothing had moved since Fiorella and her
erstwhile pals had sacheyed into the
venue below.. In short, nothing moved
at all, except the wind of course, and the only other change I could ascertain was the
deep blueness of my fingers ( though it
might have been the ultra-violet..
who knows?) and the glowing efflourescence
of my Rudolf the Reindeer style nose. [FX: Atchoo] Whoops, I sneezed and
dislodged a piece of cement or
something, which clinked into the alleyway
below. Still, I could see both the
angled front and the side of the
edifice, and an interesting range of
windows at the back, through which nothing illegal
or even particularly interesting had as yet passed..
plus ça change the French are wont
to say...whatever that means.. but yes,
dear viewer, something was indeed
about to happen... suddenly twowomen
entered a room in my immediate vicinity and a wild
argument ensued... Indumb-show, being
as the wind was whistling and the window was anyway firmly shut...
FX: Sound: Muffled crack of Shot:
Herb [cont]: At first I thought it was my
imagination, but I could see that the
woman in leather wasflourishing a big
black Parabellum 9 Millimetre Automatic
Heater, and the other woman had stoppedshouting..
and worst of all I had seen pieces ofshell
exit from the wall which lay in the direction from
which they had travelled.... I won't ask what you
would do ...I mean that's all history now... anyway,
for my part I rushed down the fire escape [FX throughout this sequence] ....and along the bottom of the alleyway... along the front of the
building, through a gaggle of amazed
women.. through a room containing card
tables, and another containing a stage upon
which a mysteriously almost nude man pirouetted...
[shrill screams] ...along a corridor with
more people than I would reasonably expect chasing
me and falling amongst themselves, through a dressing
room, no, a powder room... wow, that was... well
how shall I explain it...no, later, later.... up a flight of stairs .. the
crowd mysteriously vanished now...
along a kind of minstrel's gallery above
the top of a stage and finally along what was a sort of gallery of windows, the end one of which was the room I suspected must lie at the end of
thisbuilding.. but then..
FX: Door crashes open:
Herb [cont]: There's nothing here.. I
mean.. it's empty...
Fior: Hey, Herb..
Herb: How did you get here?
Fior: I was hanging about the entrance.. I saw you
runbye...
Herb: I just saw someone kill someone in this room!
Fior: Hey, take it easy..
Herb: Haven't had a drink all day, honest
Fior: When those women catch us they'll do worse
than shoot you...
Herb: Yes, but...
Fior: No buts.. look, there's nothing here but
three holesin the brickwork.... I
can see that.... let's get the police
on to this...
Herb: Yes, but..
Fior: And I'll buy you several drinks..
Herb: Yes, I am shaking all over!
Fior: We can get through the fire escape and do a disappearing trick.. quick..
FX: Later, Café B/G:
Herb: .. fascinating... I would never believe that
such a straight address as number 178
Augusta Anlage could hide sich a place
as the Womens Fantasy World..
Fior: Yes, but being a typical man you never
looked, did you Neufeld!
Herb: Looked, Fiorella.. looked.. ?
Fior: If you'd have bothered to look you'd see that
over the entrance is the name of this
club .. the 'Club Fantasie' - with an
'E'-
Herb: Club spelt with an 'E'.. eh .. could I change
the subject a moment?
Fior: Don't choke on your sausage, Herb..
Herb: About the women I saw, Fiorella..
Fior: It's a fantasy club, Herb.. where any woman
can play out her fantasies as she
wishes.. they were playing some sort of
private game.. perfectly okay.. or would you..
Herb: How would you explain the bullet holes in the
wall?
Fior: We'll look at them again in the morning..
perhaps the cold light of day will
make a difference..
Herb: You betcha... where's the wine list... !
Fade to FX: Street sounds
Director of Venue: We women come here to enjoy ourselves, Herr Neufeld.. Frau...
Fior: That's not important Frau Direktor.. what
we'd just like to check is just the fact
that there are exit holes in your back
wall.. and we need to check the inside
of the room concerned
Dir: Well, of course, we have our reputation to
think about.. this way..
FX
Dir: Here we are..
Herb: Completely clear.. an empty room, no smell or anything unusual..
Fior: Except for the three entry holes in the wall
Herb[thinks]: Good grouping
Dir: What ?
Herb: Oh, nothing important
Fior: Is there an explanation for them, do you think
?
Dir: Oh, our members get up to all kinds of high
jinks... that's what 'Club Fantasie'
is all about... but,
I
hasten to say, none of those things is ever illegal
Herb: Well, of course, that's hardly my feeling,
either
Fior: But you do see our interest.. ?
Dir: Well of course... of course ..
Herb: I'm consumed with curiosity about how that
could have been caused..
Dir: Suffice it to say that no-one here has
caused it.. or at least not with a gun
.. now if I may interject.. there are our first clients.. please leave by
the back door.. males are not actually
allowed in the club except in eh.. performance capacities..
Fior: Thank you very much, Frau Direktor...
FX: Street sounds
Herb: Well, I thought I just might turn over a buck
or two.. I mean they might be short
of help..!
Fior: Herb, don't be so gross... anyway you need
too much booze to make you go!
Herb: Fiorella! You're hurting my feelings
Fior: The truth will out!
Herb: Talking about truth... what is the story of
that room.?
Fior: Well, now you've dragged me into this and
I've got mymembership card, I
guess I'll have to work it out..
Herb: well, you never know, it could turn out to be
a lot of fun!
Fade to: Noller's Office:
Noller: ...so this place turns out to be
the female version of a palace of the
vanities.. huh! Why on earth wouldn't
she tell me?
Fior: Think of it from her point of view- As you know, I'm still continuing my operations.. but as far as I've seen, your wife Rosa has done nothing that you should
be alarmed or ashamed about.. so you can rest your mind..Herr Noller
Noller: well, it's obviously a fairly innocuous sort of
thing.. but I must confess to be being a little
disturbed
still..
Herb: Men have had such establishments for hundreds of years and nobody's ever turned a hair.. apart from that anyway, once we've completed our investigation
we'll have
more substance to put before you..
Fade to:
Herb: Hi, Lieutenant Habicht
Franz: You're looking smart Herb
Neufeld..
Herb: Something to do with being paid..Franz
Franz: Well, well ...
Herb: Have you ever heard of a club called 'Club Fantasie',
in the Augusta Anlage,
Frankfurt..?
Franz: Only a provincial cop here Herb,
only provincials here in Heidelberg..
Herb: Even provincials have fantasies sometimes,
Franz...
Franz: Not in Police time they don't
Herb: Ah, but it's one of those fantasy clubs, you
know, where girls get their rocks off..
Franz: Ah
Herb: But we can't go there
Franz: Now he tells me - why not?
Herb: Because we're male
Franz: Never heard anything so
preposterous in all my life
Herb: Well, that's how it goes Franz